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Alternative Ways of Naming a Baby

 by: Tony Luck

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Traditionally, babies have been named at a christening/baptism. Most still are, but increasingly parents are choosing an alternative, non-religious ceremony.

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There are three types of service available at a Church.

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The traditional Infant Baptism (which most people call a ‘christening’), here the parents declare the child to be a follower of Jesus Christ;

A service of Dedication, when the parents make promises about the upbringing of their child - these services are common in Baptist churches; and

A Thanksgiving for the Gift of a Child, a service of Blessing which is based on what Jesus did when children were brought to Him. This service is increasingly popular in the Anglican Church as parents are less inclined to make promises on the child’s behalf that he or she may not wish to keep later in life.

Many parents don’t go to church themselves and don’t want to have their child named in a church service. There are alternatives.

You can hold a family gathering at your own home or a hired venue near home at which the baby is named. You can do this yourself, have a senior member of the family perform the naming, or bring someone in to hold a formal ceremony.

The Baby Naming Society will help you to put on a religious or non-religious ceremony. For a small fee they will provide:

A personalized script from a choice of ceremonies;

A short program which can be copied for your guests;

A certificate for you to keep as a memento of the service;

Copies of readings chosen from the Society’s selection.

Another source worth looking at is the British Humanist Association where you will be able to get similar advice. The BHA is a non-religious organization. A helpful book, New Arrivals, is available. Contact them at humanism.org.uk.

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4 Steps to Teaching Your Family to Treat You Better

 by: Dr. Tony Fiore

Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and used by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.

Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.

He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn t happen anywhere but in this relationship.

Case#3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband’s contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce.

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These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is no but often we can teach them to treat us better!

Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:

- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was teaching them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.

- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.

- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive attitude was teaching him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.

The dance of anger

Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and well, you get the idea!

How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher of how you would like your family to treat you.

Four ways to change what you teach others

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1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.

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2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.

The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer then be sure to do it!

3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called empathy, this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.

Acknowledgement doesn t mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.

4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.

If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is ok for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn t bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.

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